Let’s just get one thing straight; I didn’t want to do this, but apparently he has thoughts that are somehow worthy of recording and disseminating to his fans. He has fans, for Chrissake. I find it difficult to believe that he has actual thoughts, or that they’re in any way connected to his actions. But apparently he has, and apparently I have to introduce him to his audience (note: I shall continue to deny the presence of anyone who describes themselves as his ‘fan’).
He’s an orphan. His parents died in mysterious circumstances, and he was brought up by aliens. I know, I know, that deserves more consideration and a whole new set of Random Access Memories, no doubt. And I wouldn’t object to that, as his parents were fine people, and they are dearly missed.
But this introduction is about him. We raised him as our own, myself and Jane. He was a spunky kid, always getting into mischief, grazing his knee, swallowing his e-Lego, crashing his hoverbike in the lake, all the normal stuff. Maybe he wasn’t so bright academically, but somehow that didn’t seem to stop him. Why should it, it never stopped me.
So he graduated Cosmic Sailor academy (second attempt) received a commission, and somehow kept himself alive long enough to get himself decorated and promoted. His success? Certainly not attributed to his romantic endeavours, although somehow he ended up with the pick of the bunch where that’s concerned. Lady luck certainly gave him a big beam with that one. She certainly is the angel of the circuit board.
But before he met her, he’d haphazardly cobbled together that spaceship of his, all those redundant artificial intelligences that had been left over, abandoned and forgotten about, and stuck them all in that ancient alien space frame. He painted it some horrendous colours and off he flew.
The rest is history. And an embarrassment. Yes, I’m allowed to say that. I can say what I God Damn please.
And because he was “too busy” some of these accounts have been ghost-written (who the hell this was I don’t know). Or in one case, he actually wrote to his ex and asked her to do his work for him!
Goddam Limey.
Anyway, here it is. I only hope you manage to stay awake throughout. I didn’t.
Chief Star Commodore Sir Thomas Harston-Chelton
Cosmic Sailor Headquarters, Canadee Spacetown, Io.
The Random Access Memories of Jonny Naylor Cosmic Sailor – coming soon. Sneek a peek at on of Jonny’s memoirs for free: The Man Who Made The Moon is available as a free download here.
