Cosmic Compendium

Side arm popularised by law enforcement and security agencies. Lightweight, durable, multiple power settings including: Explode, Destroy, Kill, Burn, Stun, Ouch. Optional DNA imprint recognition with optional force feedback 1000 volt electrodes. Nice little red light on the side. Available colours: Bad Black, Protective Pink, Explosive Yellow, Fuckem Fuchia.

Antique side arm favoured by Jonny Naylor, Cosmic Sailor. Extremely powerful over short and medium range. Single setting: Kablooey. Limited recharge capability. Considered too heavy to be used for domestic or urban settings, but extremely useful as a club or blunt of instrument of choice at close quarters.

Motto:  Ad astra pro prandium.

Flying the spaceways with immaculate hair and wearing lapis lazuli blue. Cat up a tree? Give those Cosmic flyboys in blue a chance. Problem with Space Pirate infestation, who you gonna call? Damsel in distress? No? Well they’ll certainly get one in distress for you.

Popularist view being of a consortium wealthy people who own large strings of hair salons. The reputation of the Cosmic Sailors is for being gung-ho enthusiasts; have-a-go-heroes who were out to seek fame and fortune in the loudest way they can.

The legend of the Cosmic Sailors is swathed in charisma, glamour and excitement. It is not certain if there has been a conscious decision to set up a population of personalities roaming the galaxy in search of good deeds to be done, folks to be rescued and new styles of cut and blow waves to be worn, but the legend has nevertheless been perpetuated.

Some philosophers have stated that the Cosmic Sailors are the Yin to the Yang of that scourge of the spaceways – the Space Pirates. But interestingly there are very few accounts of any Cosmic Sailors rescuing anybody from Space Pirates. One respectable journal has claimed that there were more cats rescued from trees by Cosmic Sailors than there were passengers rescued from Space Pirates, although this may have been a speculative account, as no data has bene presented to substantiate this claim.

Many Cosmic Sailors are veterans of the Space Wars who had a limited skill set after the wars (other than fighting and rescuing people) and who had earned a fortune from their Space War Syndrome compensation. 

After Space War Syndrome had been detected and proven to have actually existed rather than being just a figment of the minds of the solicitors who were representing the soldiers, compensation was paid out by the Galactic Federation in Cooplandian Gigglebeads. Cooplandian Gigglebeads were worth very little, being as they were made out entirely of an unusual mineral that was on the one hand, incredibly valuable at preventing say, male pattern badness, and on the other hand, cheep as chips. The mineral was found in abundance in the Cooplandian system but was extremely rare in other parts of the Galaxy. So when, shortly after the compensation payments to the space war veterans had been made, the entire Cooplandian system disappeared through a freak wormhole rift in space-time and was never seen again, the price of your average size Gigglebead multiplied by precisely two to the power of forty two.

The Galactic Federation council blamed the Cosmic Sailors (as they were to be named in future years) for the deliberate formation of the wormhole, the massive increase in the Gigglebead exchange rate, and a crisis in the hair-loss prevention industry. The future Cosmic Sailors countered this argument by saying that they weren’t clever enough by half to have even thought about doing this. The Federation council replied saying that they were veterans highly trained in the art of survival, and that nothing was outside of their abilities, including making entire solar systems disappear down impossibly huge wormholes. In a stroke of genius that became recognised as the best double-bluff in the Galaxy, ever, one imaginative future Cosmic Sailor told the Galactic Federation Council that if they believed that, then they had better zucking well shut their cake holes and pay up or else they’d all find themselves on a one way trip down a bottomless worm hole themselves. Or be as bald as coots within a matter of months.

And so, the war veterans became rich and the legend that became the Cosmic Sailor was born.

The Cosmic Sailors gained a reputation of being helpful to say the least, certainly downright upbeat and enthusiastic, and if not a little off-the-wall then definitely above and way beyond the ceiling.

Even a film had been made starring the famous actor Brynn Yuler, about seven particularly legendary Cosmic Sailors who had rescued a small planetoid from the grips of an evil Space Lord. In return, the Cosmic Sailors had only asked for a meal and a place to stay, and as much hair care products that the local economy could withstand.

The red planet. Bit like Mars, only with a better hoverball team, and a higher quality of oxygen courtesy of Oxyvac, your A1 O2 supplier. Famous for the Damona Carona wars between the Terran Federation, the Independent Government of Damona Carona, and the Dog Star Conglomerate.

Disco Volante: (Italian) “flying saucer”

Cosmic Sailors Spaceship. The flagship and headquarters of the Cosmic Sailors. Often in orbit around the Jupiter moon of Io, where the Cosmic Sailor administrative centre is located. The Disco Volante is a vast multicoloured flying saucer of an art deco design, capable of traversing vast interstellar distances, carrying thousands of crew and passengers, cargo, and other ships. As well as participating in search and rescue missions (the main objective of the Cosmic Sailors) the Disco Volante is heavily armoured, and well-defended, including six squadrons of Cosmic Sailor Fast Fighters. Any resemblance to the cover of a popular twentieth-century album cover is purely coincidental.

Organised crime operation located several light years from Earth, possibly around Alpha Canis Majoris and throughout the area surrounding the Orion constellation. The city of Dogtopolis, located on Alpha Canis Majoris Prime, is considered to be the most likely centre of criminal activity. Infamous for active slave trade and the production of Orgissam. Travel and tourism is proactively discouraged in and around this region. No Batchelor parties. Hen parties welcome.

Space drive that works faster than light, and much faster than heavy. 

Sport played on a large pitch with two teams each of eleven players, the object of which is to score as many goals in to your opponents goal, using a ball that hovers, while simultaneously convincing the referee that the reason for being on the ground is that you have been tripped / pushed / pulled / shoved by your opponent rather than just tripping over your own shoelaces / falling over fresh air / diving over a blade of grass.

Boots that let you hover, and leap tall buildings in a single bound. Localised zero-G field plate contained within the soles, controlled by the balls of the feet and toes. Standard ‘Ropie’ issue.

Automated transportation device equipped with antigravity propulsion, magnolec safety restraints, eWatt orbital navigation, and a well stocked mini bar.

A taxi that hovers. As opposed to one that gets a flat tyre and is late to pick you up for your Hoverball match.

The tax man, military intelligence, and conspiracy theory central combined. Also known as ‘the men in charcoal grey’ due to copyright infringement legislation.

Portable Organic Communications A.I. (brand name iPOC 3000 mark 3). Computerised device with sophisticated organonet, usually worn on the forearm. Able to provide communications, database, advanced sensory functions, light sources, Localised Molecular Decceleration fields, interfacing with other computerised sources.

Reduces the frequency of the molecules within voluntary muscles, causing them to contract. As muscles in mammals work in antagonistic pairs this has the affect of “freezing” the subject. It has no affect on the cardiovascular system, but it is hard to breathe and because the antagonistic muscles pairs are in a constant state of contraction, effectively working against each other, it is rather painful.

Lollapalooza: “extraordinary, exceptional and unusual”

Cosmic Sailors Spaceship. Delta wing spacecraft owned and operated by Jonny Naylor, Cosmic Sailor. Originally designed as a fixed-wing atmospheric craft, it has been heavily modified by the current owner, to facilitate deep space travel. Custom acquired multiple computer personality modules. Equipped with E=MC² Faster Than Light drive, Particle Cannon, Laser Cannons, Blasto-Zap Incener-o-canon, and Bleachomatic 5000 Whirl-a-pool-o-spajacuzzi.

Semi organic / electronic network of fibre optics, silicone processors and nerves: an artificial intelligence, capable of learning, reasoning and a primitive form of emotion.

Illegal (low category) water-soluble recreational drug, often combined with soaps or cosmetics for ease of application. Thought to contain elements of sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen, different strengths and proportions of base constituents have been reported, suggesting that the different versions may be aimed at different markets. Sub dermal and topical route only (not to be taken orally). Although not addictive, its effects are unpredictable and not without risk of side-effects (permanent / long-standing (or lying, or sitting) orgasm, semipermanent erection, loss of sexual inhibition, alteration of sexual preferences, hypotension, cardiac arrest, indigestion and acid reflux). For this reason, Orgissam has been deemed to be illegal, although of a low category. The manufacture and distribution has yet to be determined, although implications have suggested that supply is controlled by the Dog Star Conglomerate.

An assistant that is digital and quite personal. Advanced Artificial Intelligence with capabilities of directing operations on deep space vessels, co-ordinating rescue missions, and mixing a very good Manhattan. Most famously and specifically belonging to the CSS Lollapalooza, known by the owner as Pelham. Resemblances to any man-servant depicted by humorous twentieth century authors born in Guildford is purely co-incidental.

Robotic droid and sentient silicon based lifeform resembling a melange of organic rabbit, dog, and guinea pig. Low maintenance and easy-wipe. Available in three different sizes and six different colours from premier droid manufacturer Robotandroid Ltds.

Manufacturer of androids, robots, droids, autonomons, mechanoids and other emerging silicon based lifeforms. Manufacturers specifications do not exclude potential evolution, either diverging or converging, with other semi or possible-semi sentient lifeforms. If in doubt, please read the instructions. Repairs only available during warranty period. Remember, a droid is for life, not just for Christmas.

Qualified professional team of experts who protect the welfare droids and other emerging silicon based lifeforms who work for the Royal Society for the Protection of Artificial Intelligence. Roles include inspection of property, rescue of abandoned and abused mechanoids. Engineering and psychology degrees required before five year academy and cadet training. Good pay and free donuts.

Charity of royal patronage established to protect and preserve the interests of sentient and semi-sentient lifeforms and artificial intelligences.

 had been . Initially established in a small coffee shop, the Society for the Protection of Emerging Silicon Based Lifeforms (SPESBL, more commonly known as ‘Spesbull’) had been established to oppose the cruel and controversial sport of Wrobo Wrestling. This was a deplorable sport that had its roots as far back as the twentieth century, where it was televised as a war between robots (reruns on BBC2 and Dave).

Following the Damona Carona wars, and the subsequent army surplus of droids accumulating in local communities, hanging around street corners, and jostling elderly citizens on their way to collect their pensions, the SPESBL were granted royal patronage. Thus the Royal Society for the Protection of Artificial Intelligence (RSPAI) was officially born, patronised by Her Majesty Queen Jane II, and a code of conduct was formed. Patrol officers and Inspectors followed, but who only had limited powers.

Eventually, parliament amended the Hunting Act to incorporate sapient mobile mechanical automatons as well as dear, foxes, and hares from being hunted by dogs. And then a further amendment that prevented dear, foxes, and hares from being hunted by sapient mobile mechanical automatons. 

The Droid and Robot Welfare Act followed in order to save sentient and semi sentient silicon based life forms from harm and cruelty. This granted powers of arrest and, in exceptional circumstances, powers of entry to private property with a view to seizing droids in danger of abuse. These new powers were granted to the Rogue Processor Investigation Executives, a new and highly trained field operative.

Motto: And espresso machine is for life, not just for Christmas.

A juke box on legs that stores all your downloads and saves all your streams, putting your playlists in permanent playback, through high quality external speakers. Equiped with Lika-Thought mood-detection technology. No more sticking things on your ears, or resting things on your shoulders, the Wurli-bot Model 2500 will follow you where ever you go, playing music to suit your mood, tone of voice and other non-verbals. Top speed 100 kmh. Flashing lights optional. 

Domestic designation given by Robotandroid to the military Defendodroid Mk5, used with great effectiveness in the battle for the polar ice caps on Damona Carona. Titanium, Kevlar, and Diamond intoskeleton and shell composites with additional EM radiation protecting ‘Blugger Bulwark ZZ8000’ shielding. Capable of operating with standard military light arms including Blastokil 900, Holeinme 22, Shootokill 0.50, and Blowusup GG66. Advanced tactical assessment software, with fully integrated sentience-science-software. Camouflage capability using holo emitters and Invisibee multiple projection. Any colour you like as long as it’s gunmetal. Cup holder optional.